It’s all too common for one to see a child’s outward actions and mislabel it as “bad behavior.” But is there more to the story? Understanding the connection between dysregulation and behavior can help us shift our focus from a child’s behavior to supporting their regulation needs and development.
What is Dysregulation?
Dysregulation happens when we experience a challenge in managing our feelings, energy, or behavior in a way that would work well for us. It’s essentially the opposite of regulation.
This can mean an imbalance in our internal state: our emotions, sensory system, energy, and nervous system. When we’re dysregulated, our nervous system may be flooded with stress hormones that affect our brain and body, making it difficult to manage the demands of the moment and attend to our well-being.
Think of times when your brain and body have felt overwhelmed. Did your nervous system respond with a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response? Dysregulated feelings can easily lead to dysregulated behavior in response to a “threat” that the nervous system is detecting and responding to. Sometimes these are real threats, and other times, our nervous system may misjudge a threat and go into an over-protection mode. This is often the case with kids who have a history of trauma or sensory differences.
One thing we all have in common is that we will likely experience dysregulation to some degree on a daily basis. It’s part of the human experience.
Dysregulation vs. Challenging Behavior
Dysregulation can refer to both our internal feelings and our external behaviors.
Most of the time, when someone thinks about “bad behavior,” they’re referring to these external actions, or dysregulated behaviors that negatively impact a person’s goals, their well-being, and/or other people around them.
Here’s the thing: Regulation is a lifelong skill and often a daily challenge throughout our lifespan. As we develop emotional awareness and self-regulation skills, regulating our behavior follows.
Labelling a child’s behavior as “good” or “bad” leaves out a very important element — learning to regulate is challenging, complex, and development will vary for kids depending on their unique brain, body, and life experiences.
That doesn’t mean that we just accept all challenging behaviors. Children need boundaries and expectations around their behavior.  We can teach and reinforce expectations around behavior that maintain safety and prevent harm, such as:
- Treating others with respect is an important part of being in a community.
- It’s okay to have big feelings, but it’s not okay to hurt yourself or others.
- Everyone has difficulty regulating their behavior sometimes; and when this happens, we try to fix things.
Our behavior has consequences, sometimes positive and other times less welcome. If we hurt or endanger ourselves or others, it is expected that we would have consequences, such as repairing relationships or restoring justice. Let’s be clear though, labeling “bad behavior” does nothing to address the often lagging skills to help the child do something more adaptive and can be very hurtful to the child, their identity, and reputation.
AND… We can provide children with instruction and support for building regulation skills so they can reach their goals, have a greater sense of well-being, and participate in what is meaningful for them.
What are the Signs of Dysregulation in Children?
Signs of dysregulation can look different from person to person, and they aren’t always easy to recognize. While some children show visible signs of dysregulation, others may be experiencing strong emotions internally without showing obvious outward signs. For example, a child may be feeling afraid, uncomfortable, or anxious on the inside but appear compliant or simply tired.
Some common signs and behaviors associated with dysregulation include:
- Yelling or raised voice
- Shutting down
- Tantrums
- Eloping or running away
- Flopping to the ground
- Unsafe actions toward others, such as pushing, hitting, biting
- Unsafe words, such as threats or abusive language
These more noticeable behaviors may be preceded by subtle signs of dysregulation, such as fidgeting, avoidance, refusal, or arguing. Recognizing these early signs can help adults respond with proactive regulation support before dysregulation escalates.
How to Respond to a Dysregulated Child
Sometimes, emotional dysregulation and escalated or out-of-control behavior go hand in hand. In this moment, the priority is to de-escalate the situation through co-regulation, providing support to help the child feel safe and regain a sense of control.
Here are a few co-regulation strategies that can help:
Regulate yourself. As the saying goes, an escalated adult cannot de-escalate a child.
Minimize verbal information and demands. Keep language simple and give the child time to process. Consider if visual supports will help.
Give space and privacy when needed. Reduce the audience and allow physical space while maintaining safety.
Reduce sensory input. Reduce noise, dim lights, or minimize other sources of sensory stimulation.
Wait to discuss consequences and restorative practices. Give the child time to regulate before processing what happened and discussing next steps.
The goal in the moment is to support regulation and safety, not to “teach a lesson” or resolve the behavior. Those conversations can happen once the child is more regulated and ready to process.
Read more about co-regulation→
How The Zones of Regulation Helps with Emotions and Behavior
The Zones of Regulation® Curriculum teaches a simple, common language for understanding and communicating our feelings. Many, if not most, learners benefit from direct teaching and practice on how to recognize and then manage their feelings and behaviors in healthy ways. Some of these skills include awareness of body signals and emotions and how to use tools and strategies to care for them with increasing independence.
Within The Zones Curriculum, we categorize our strongest, most powerful feelings in the Red Zone, including:
- Mad/angry
- Out of control
- Terrified
- Panicked
- Elation
Experiencing these feelings does not always mean someone is dysregulated, but they’re often the hardest to manage.
And, yes, even our positive feelings can be dysregulated. Feeling elated and having very high energy while trying to have a communal meal with one’s family or friends may prevent us from engaging in our goal of dining together.
Teaching Children Tools for Managing Big Feelings
Within The Zones Curriculum, we explore tools for all our feelings and Zones and point out that the Red Zone is special because we may need “power tools” to help us regulate these very strong feelings and strong impulses that might come with it.
These Red Zone Tools help us keep our behavior safe and give us a sense of control of these strong feelings and impulsive behaviors that might not serve us well. They generally have a calming effect.
Many effective Red Zone Tools include sensory and movement strategies like deep breathing, heavy work for the muscles, or soothing motions like swinging and walking. Of course, regulation tools will vary and are most effective when customized to individual learners, especially for those who are neurodivergent.
It is challenging to use regulation tools in a moment of dysregulation, which is why we systematically teach and practice tools in more regulated states first.
This “muscle memory” from repeated practice, paired with the Zones colored system and visual supports, makes it easier for learners to access tools when they need them most.
Ready to learn more about supporting regulation skills?
And let’s just drop the term “bad behavior” once and for all.
